Unwavering faith through child loss

I remember when I was pregnant with Noah praying for the salvation of people I love. “Use me, God. However, you want to use me to draw them close to You, use me.” What a realization that God could be using Noah’s life and our grief to open the eyes of people around us?

While I can sometimes get consumed with my suffering and my grief, what do people see of my suffering? I pray they see a mom who never lost hope even in darkness. A mom who still threw up her hands and praised through tears. A mom who was unwavering in her faith through it all.

I pray they look at me and say, “there has to be a God because there’s no way she could get through that in her own strength.”

I don't understand how someone's faith in God wouldn't be shattered after losing a baby. Truthfully, it seems impossible to not have some feelings of anger, resentment, and questioning through the pain. Know that as a bereaved mother, I’m grieving with you.

In full transparency (because that's the only way I know how to be), for months after Noah passed, I was confused about why he was gone. But I knew I wasn't confused about God's goodness. At first, I found it hard to praise and verbalize God's goodness when He did something I didn't like but the real truth: He is unchanging.

I know it can be confusing to try and get answers on this side of eternity. For a while, I was so consumed with asking God why.

"Why us? Why my boy? Why did I even get pregnant? Why our family? Why did I go full term? Why didn't I find out sooner? Why didn't the doctors deliver him earlier? Why didn't I notice no movement? Why, why, why?"

But when I shifted my mindset from the why to the Who that's when transformation really started to take place in my heart. When I started to seek His presence above answers to my questioning a shift happened. Healing started taking place.

Healing that could only be from God. Healing I could see in myself and feel. Healing others could see in me. But let me be clear, I'm not saying healed in the sense that this pain totally goes away. Honestly, a part of me never wants this pain to completely go away because it means I'm still alive. It means I'm enduring. It means I am being refined and that God isn't through. This pain is a direct reflection of my love for Noah and I believe the day that it's gone will be the day that God has called me home.

Where we are isn't home. I find rest and comfort knowing that this life here on earth is oh so very temporary. Our children are in the Eternal place. And every day I thank God for the gift He gave us of Jesus to live eternally if we choose to follow Him. He gave His one and only son, so He understands pain and suffering.

Understand that I'm not saying that just because we trust in Jesus things are a walk in the park. I'm not saying just because we know our babies are in heaven that it's not hard. It is hard but hard was always promised to us. Holding onto biblical truth, this life was never meant to be easy. Biblically speaking, we were promised trouble in this world. It's mentioned over and over again in scripture.

Trials and life are temporary though. But hope - hope is eternal. And hope is a mindset. When we see God for who He really is it will change our perspective and emotions on our situations. Our emotions are heavily influenced by our perspective.

If we perceive God to be the cause of our child's death, then we will be angry at Him, point blame, and turn our backs on Him. If we perceive God to be the giver of life, then we will recognize the devil's tactics for exactly what they are while staying true to God's sovereignty and character.

What I've learned from losing my son is that how I heal is up to me. It's not up to my husband, my pastor, my parents, my friends, it's all up to me. How I heal is my responsibility.

Should unanswered questions and pain change our view of God? He is merciful, powerful, righteous, holy, and sovereign - but when life is tough do we describe God in the same ways? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

My constant prayer even now and my prayer for you will be that you see God for Who He really is. His characteristics don't change when we go through grief. He is the same unchanging God even though our seasons change. He is the only constant we can depend on. I pray that today you will choose to believe this truth: death is not from God. I pray that you will welcome the Holy Spirit into your heart and home. I pray you will cling to the eternal hope that is to come.

Click here to read more of our blogs for baby loss, pregnancy loss, and stillbirth. This blog was written by Mother of Wilde's Founder, Moria Muffley Rooney. She lives in Wilmington, N.C., and has been married for seven years to her husband, Brian. Together they have two handsome sons, Roman Sol, who turns two in January, and Noah, who was born into heaven at 35 weeks.