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  • Writer's pictureMother of Wilde

"We Laid to Rest a Million Hopes and Dreams in One Tiny Ceremony."

As we entered the hospital this afternoon on our way to the OR prep room, I was somewhat surprised by how I felt. Both Jessica and I had a peace that God was with us and it was going to be okay.

I was extremely mournful but didn’t feel fear or a sense of dread. They prepped Jessica and as they did, I had many tears thinking about what was going to come soon.

Especially hearing Birdie move on the monitor, it was hard not to think about her life coming to an end soon.

A short time later, they wheeled Jessica to the operating room and began the procedure. At 5:46pm, Birdie was born at 2 lbs, 10 ounces and 14” long. She had a slow but steady heartbeat and we immediately held her in our arms to give her our love and warmth.

mom holding her baby with anencephaly

When we first purchased our land, we had a dedication that involved water, oil, salt and wine and I’ve kept small vials of each of them as a remembrance since.

This morning, I felt led to take that small vial of water from the home and brought it with me to the operating room.

As Birdie lay in our arms, I gently christened her and we dedicated her to the Lord, letting her know that before God, we were so very honored and blessed that he chose us to be her parents.

We declared her as his child and prayed over her.

As the doctors wrapped up, the nurses checked her heartbeat several times. Even though we couldn’t see her breathing, her heart remained beating slowly but surely.

Back in the recovery room, we had the children come in and each of them got to hold her for a short time. We wished her a happy birthday with a song and a special cake, beautifully adorned with her name.

We spent the next thirty minutes holding her and sharing her with a few family members. It was such a grace-filled time of peace in honoring her while she was with us.

As the kids moved towards the door to leave, I took Birdie and went to give her to the neonatologist to have her vitals checked again.

However, as her siblings left the room, Birdie had chosen that moment to respond to the loving call of her Savior and leave Jessica and me in the room, not alone but with God’s presence, hanging in the room like a thick fog.

As we held Birdie and cried, Hillary Scott’s song “Thy Will” began to play and we simply sat and soaked in the words that the Spirit was saying through us to God.

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

She had been with us for an hour and twenty-four precious minutes but in the very second she left us, she crawled in to Jesus’ arms and He gave her all the love of a lifetime with us in that single moment with him.

Even now, as the tears continue to come, we have such a peace and are so thankful for our time carrying her and with her today. God is so good.

In a sacred and intimate ceremony, our family of five buried Birdie on our land. I’ve never been more thankful for our property.

On the land that God provided, we tucked away an intricately carved wooden box holding the intricately woven body of our daughter into the soil.

We laid to rest a million hopes and dreams in one tiny ceremony but knowing our daughter is fully healed with Jesus is the consolation that brings us comfort.

Finding a new routine and a new "normal" that does not include our sweet Birdie breaks my heart. Though I no longer carry her in my womb nor will l get to carry her in my arms through the years, her presence in my heart is so very real.

It's all still so fresh in my mind. Her sweet baby face, the smell of her newborn clothes, holding her tiny hand as I cuddled her in the hospital room.

Part of me is scared for all of it to fade, as weeks become months and years.

For each milestone to pass without her here. There will always be a Birdie shaped void in our everyday life.

Our family will never be whole until we reunite in Glory.

The Gospel has been made even clearer to me through all this; Christ truly saved us from so much - how amazing that even death won't separate us from Birdie forever. We will hold her once more.

newborn baby getting footprints done on paper in hospital

This blog was written Jeff Beecham in Dallas, Georgia. He has been married to his wife Jessica for 14 years. Together they have 4 children, Stone (7), Rosie (4), Ranger (2) and Birdie, in heaven.

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