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  • Writer's pictureMother of Wilde

Losing your baby after the first trimester

I always thought that if we can make it past the first trimester, we were safe. Back then, no one talked about miscarriages or stillbirth. After hearing that the pregnancies should be safe after the first 13 weeks, I thought we would be bringing home a baby no matter what. I thought we were in the clear. We made it past the second trimester and then we should for sure be safe in the third trimester.

If only and barely.

At 27 weeks, our first baby was stillborn and for unknown reasons. Sometimes that’s the hardest part: not knowing why. Was it something I could’ve prevented? Was it something that I did? I was responsible for growing this little human in me and I thought I failed. I thought God failed me.

Gravesite of baby born still with flowers

I could never understand how He had made it hard for us to conceive our first baby and then to take him away like that.

Sometimes to this day, I question God on why. Sometimes, I still get angry at Him for taking away Levi from us. This little baby who we had grown to love so quickly and easily.

Stillborn baby boy feet wrapped in hospital blanket

I couldn’t step into church for a month or so and I was warned it wouldn’t be easy when I eventually did. Worshipping brought tears to my eyes, as I thought,” How could I worship a God who took away a piece of us?” Everything felt like it was falling apart around me.

Until one day, I gave it all to Him. I gave God my pain. My anger. My lack of understanding of why. I finally could raise my hands and sing a beautiful worship song, and just cry out to Him.

If anything, losing Levi brought us closer to God. It moved our faith in a direction that we weren’t ready for. But here we are, with our rainbow baby, Isaac, and expecting another on the way.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of Levi. I’m a private person but I speak of Levi very openly. I speak about him because I want others to know that they are not alone. I want his story and his life to live on in any way that it can.

Family maternity photos with mom and dad and child

Click here to read more of our blogs about seeing God's hand through baby loss. This blog was written by Meagan Gonzalez in Dallas Fort Worth, Texas. She has been married to her husband Michael since 2014. Together, they have three boys - Levi, who was born into heaven, Issac who is 3.5 years old, and currently 37 weeks pregnant with Caleb.

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