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If He couldn't work a miracle for my son, then why was I devoted?

When I was pregnant with Weston, I prayed every day. I prayed that Wes would be healthy, that God would watch over him and me. That we could get through this pregnancy with the little blessing that we were so grateful to have a chance to grow.

The day I lost Weston, I sat in the triage area, hysterically pleading to God that He HAD to be wrong. That He made a mistake. That He didn’t mean to take my son. That night was the first night since being pregnant that I didn't pray to God. I felt like "Why should I pray?" It felt as if everything that I knew was a lie.

If He couldn't work a miracle for my son, then why was I devoted?

I had a lot of time to think after coming home to a silent home. When I really thought about it, I couldn’t believe that I was at this point- feeling this way. My anger only grew when friends and family would reach out to me, send their condolences, and tell me “God has a plan” or “He doesn’t give us something we can’t handle” or “He is good.” I was battling my faith, and my current feelings, both pulling me in completely opposite directions.

In my heart, I knew He was good, but at that moment I didn't feel it.

He wasn't good for taking my son, my hopes, my dreams, my purpose...

Now, 9 months later, I hate to say it but I’m still angry, and resentful. Not as angry as I was in the beginning, but more so bitter that my son couldn’t be here with us. So when I’m asked the question, “has your faith changed since your loss?” For me yes. I feel as if it took me losing Weston to lose all hope in my faith, only to be able to see that faith is truly that - faith. How can you have faith, if you don’t necessarily feel it? I don't know. I wish I had an answer to that. What I do know is that every day I wrestle with my faith, and I try to remind myself that He truly is good and that I won't feel as angry or resentful forever. That piece comes with acceptance, and acceptance comes in time.

I may not feel it right now, and I may not know when I will feel it again, but I know, whether I feel it or not, that because my husband and I have God in our hearts, that Weston was taken to Heaven and is with all of our loved ones that passed.

I know he is taken care of up there, and I know in my heart that one day when our time comes to an end, that we will be able to see our son, hear his voice, and finally see that smile.

God and faith during child loss.

Click here to read more of our blogs for child loss, miscarriage, and stillbirth. This blog was written by Reyna, who lives in California. She is married to her husband, Jack and Weston is their only child.

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