Mother of Drayke:
My husband and I tried for about six months to get pregnant.
We had a beautiful baby girl on July 23, 2017. The pregnancy was great and although the delivery was very rough, we had our Avyn Elizabeth and all was right in the world.
Fast forward a few years later and we decided to try again. My husband really wanted a boy. We got pregnant in 2019 after trying for an entire year. We were so excited to find out that we were having a boy.
I prayed every day during that pregnancy for a safe and healthy
"Lord, just keep Drayke safe and healthy."
I’m not sure why I prayed that, but I did. The pregnancy with Drayke was good too. I was sick in the first trimester (same with Avyn). Once I hit that second trimester, things were so much better.
I did develop a rash, but after using some cream it went away. There were no red flags, no doctors had shared concerns, and we were rocking and rolling for our sweet baby boy to come in January 2021.
It was Friday November 13, 2020 when I didn’t feel Drayke move.
I had felt him move every day since I was 17 weeks pregnant. I was trying not to
be anxious, but I had a bad feeling.
My husband was getting ready to go on a weekend hunting trip with a friend when I told him of my concerns. I had a heart doppler to use at home that I had sold only a few weeks prior because “I didn’t need it.”
I was so mad about that because I needed reassurance that everything was good. My husband assured me all was fine and just to relax. I put our daughter down for a nap and I started on my computer work I do from home.
I couldn’t really focus so I just looked up “things to do when you can’t feel the baby move”. I did them all. Jump, drink orange juice, lay on your side, etc. Nothing changed.
I told myself to give it until 3:00pm and if I didn't feel him to call my OB and ask to come in. I asked my grandma to watch Avy so I could run up to the hospital.
I was crying on the way there, afraid of the worst, but praying that all was fine.
I went in and the nurse took a listen. My OB was not around. She said “I don’t hear anything, but I think it is just me.”
I clung to that as I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound. I wasn’t thinking anything about it at the time and just went up there and got put in a gown. My husband was aware of all that was happening and came up there super quick. He was with me during the ultrasound.
Three nurses were there while I saw my sweet baby on the screen. I am
not a medical person and am always clueless to all things medical.
In this instance, of course I wanted to hear the best news. One of the nurses actually said she could hear two heartbeats but didn’t want to get my hopes up.
Another came in and listened and wasn’t sure. This was all before they actually got the large ultrasound machine out and looked.
The nurses didn’t say anything and I was getting frustrated when no one would tell
me what they saw. Brandon kept staring at the screen and I would look at him and then look at all of them as if, “c'mon give me something!”
It makes me sick to think back to that day and that moment.
I was VERY pregnant. We had just had Drayke’s shower two weeks prior. We were ready to bring him home in 10 weeks. I could not believe it so I needed to hear someone say everything was just great; instead I heard, “Mam I am
not a doctor. I can’t say.”
So I yell at Brandon, “what is going on? Is everything ok?” Brandon mustered, “it doesn’t look good babe.”
I immediately start screaming. I have never felt so out of my body before. It was like someone else came into my body and wouldn’t stop yelling.
I was crying and screaming so loudly I am sure everyone on that floor heard. I was beside myself. I just didn't understand.
Even when the doctor came to talk and pray for us, I remember thinking I can still deliver Drayke and they will revive him.
I couldn’t settle on the fact that he was gone. I just couldn’t.
Drayke’s heartbeat stopped on the 13th.
Drayke was stillborn on November 16, 2020 at 1:42pm. He weighed 3 pounds 4 ounces, 16.5 inches long.
I remember crying loudly while pushing. When the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him I silently shook my head yes. I can still feel his precious body on my chest even now. I so wished he would start breathing.
There are babies born all the time at 29 weeks or even sooner and they are perfectly healthy today. It is possible!
Why can’t I have Drayke? Why can’t my husband have his son that he so desires?
He has already endured so much in his life; not Brandon. "Please Lord, nothing else for Brandon to deal with". That was my immediate thought. My poor husband has had so much trauma throughout his entire 35 years. Why this?
The days and weeks to come were awful. We had so much love poured out on us
though. I remember feeling torn between being grateful for the cards, texts, and gifts. However, I just wanted my baby here.
We were told to try again after Drayke. We fell pregnant about six months after losing Drayke and then miscarried at five weeks. My perspective began to change after we miscarried.
I started to wonder if God is protecting us from something unseen.
Why did we try for a year to just lose Drayke when I was so far along? Why get pregnant again and then lose right away when so many people were praying for this rainbow baby?
I started to think about provision. It didn’t necessarily make anything easier, but I started to trust more. It was especially interesting to me because of hearing “trust me” during the week I knew I was pregnant after losing Drayke.
It made me think, "0kay God. Something is going on. How much do I try to fix and change things? I don’t want to try hard if this isn’t part of your plan."
From then on, I decided to pray, “please don’t ever let me get pregnant if that means losing another baby. We love and trust you have good plans for us.”
This blog was written by Allyson Dodds in Searcy, Arkansas. Allyson has been married to her husband, Brandon, for twelve years. Together they have four children - Avyn, who is 5 years old, Drayke and another baby in the arms of Jesus, and they are currently expecting another daughter in January 2023.