Child loss from a father's perspective
Have you ever had your life flipped upside down? What do you do when you go from expecting another baby boy to receiving the news within 24 hours of delivery that, "your baby has no heartbeat"? So many thoughts enter your mind, and you are overwhelmed with a feeling of numbness. A big question mark is immediately put over your life and you shut down.
You question and blame everything at that moment, including God. I remember feeling so lost, so weak, that I was no longer in control of the outcome.
Something we must learn is we are never in control of our outcomes, but we are in control of how we overcome and handle those difficult times, and who we become from them.
When things go bad in our lives, we tend to put blame on God. We must realize that there is also an evil force at work in our life every day and the life we are living on Earth is only temporary. One day I will see my son Noah again. That’s the hope I hold onto every single day. The Bible says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He wants your life but most importantly, your mind. After hours, days, months of talking with God and asking Him "why?", I realized that I may never receive that answer. But I must know and have faith that He is protecting us, someway, somehow.
My faith in Christ has gotten me through some tough times in the past so I know I needed to lean into Him even more, more than I ever have before. A person without faith will have a hard time getting through a situation like this because you will be overcome with negative emotions that will then trickle into your mindset, your relationships, your marriage, and you being a good father to the kids you have already or the ones to come. You can’t let it negatively change who you already are.
Your life is not about you, it’s about Christ living through you.
Having our first-born son, Roman, a year prior was my driving force to not let the enemy take control of my mind. After Noah, I would constantly hear a little voice in my head from the enemy saying, “God let this happen to Noah “or “remember this time or that time”, and it would make me so angry inside. I found myself bottling those emotions up and just responding with, “I’m good” when people asked how I was doing. Then I would hear God’s voice on my heart saying to “let it out, express yourself”, which I believe that opening up was the healing aspect that helped me most and still does. Having an amazing wife kept me motivated to want to grow and come out on the other end victorious. And yet I know that God allowed this to happen, I also know that He put His one and only son upon the cross, for us! So, I can easily say that He is ultimately protecting us and wants what is best for our lives here on earth.
Many people don’t realize that this is not a decision you make and then everything is okay. No, no, no. This is an everyday choice and battle you struggle with daily - whether it’s child loss or past situations where you felt abandoned and left by God.
The teacher is sometimes silent during the tests. Remember, the enemy wants your mind, and it’s why he asked Adam and Eve in the garden, “did God really say that?” He will forcefully try and steer you away from your faith in Christ, he is the master manipulator, and you must always be on guard.
I have, also, come to realize that most of your family and friends won’t ask you about your child loss experience or the emotions you have from it. Not many people know what to say or how to say it, so they end up not saying anything at all. If you want your child’s legacy and story to live on, then it must be through you.
I am in awe of the mothers that go through child loss. You all are incredible.
Watching how my wife handled everything and how she immediately responded in the waiting room after the news struck us with, “we can’t lose our faith”, is something I can’t wrap my head around. It makes me cry every time I think about it because there’s so much passion from that one moment. It’s a memory you never want to have but soon it will become your motivating factor.
My wife and I have recently started a company, called Mother of Wilde, in memory of our son Noah. Our company creates photo prints and gifts for bereaved parents. We specialize in creating child loss prints and, recently, child loss apparel. My wife has been able to form so many genuine relationships with moms and has been able to minister to them.
When you think of a calling on your life you never picture it coming from such a tragic experience, but I can easily say that we are walking out our calling.
Losing Noah has inspired me to not make excuses and to go after what God has prepared for me. There's not much support for dads in general and in the child loss community, that support gets even smaller. I pray God will use me to be a light for other fathers that have gone through child loss and help strengthen their faith in Christ. I think it’s hard for men to open up and discuss emotions because we are taught to be the leader of our households. So instead, we bottle things up and keep to ourselves like everything is okay when it really isn’t. It is healing and healthy when you open up and discuss what’s on your heart - you will come to know that.
I thank God every day for the time we had with Noah. I am grateful for God continuing to press into me and even when I don’t feel strong enough, He still pursues me. We are blessed for the opportunity to create a legacy that honors Noah and shares his story and our testimony of God's faithfulness for years to come.
Until we see each other again little buddy. Mommy and Daddy love you!
Click here to read more of our blogs for child loss, miscarriage and stillbirth. This blog was written by Mother of Wilde's Founder, Brian Rooney. Brian is based in Hampstead, North Carolina, and has been married to his wife, Moria, for 7 years. Together they have two boys, Roman, who is almost 2, and Noah, who was born into heaven. Connect with him by emailing fatherofwilde@gmail.com.