My Miscarriage Story: "All I Could Think of Was the Life I Just Failed to Bring Into the World."

Mother of Baby Jacobson:

I’ll remember this week as clearly as if it happened yesterday for the rest of my life.

It all started on Thursday, October 7th, 2021.

I was finally getting my energy back in the first trimester, I wasn’t throwing up every five seconds and so I decided to work out and clean one bathroom.

The next day I had some light spotting, so I took it easy.

That Saturday my husband, my mom, and I were supposed to go play golf. Because I was still spotting, I decided to just ride along in the cart and take it easy.

I called the advice line at my hospital and all they told me was, “If this is actually a miscarriage there is nothing we can do, you just have to let it pass on

its own.”

On Monday: The “spotting” hadn’t gotten any worse, but I continued to call the advice line getting the same answer each time.

On Wednesday: I called once again, and spoke with a nurse named Cathy. She told me that she was going to schedule me to come in for a shot of RhoGAM to be on the safe side.

On Thursday: That shot was administered.

On Friday: I was scheduled to have my 1st trimester ultrasound.

We never made it that far.

I got home that afternoon put my son down for his nap and tried to take a nap myself. But something felt wrong.

You know that feeling, the instinctual motherly feeling that something is wrong.

I had been feeling it all week.

By 2:30pm, I passed my first massive clot and again called the advice line.

All the advice I received was, “There is nothing we can do, you just have to let it pass on its own.”

I called my husband, Bobby, to have him come home from work.

I sat on the toilet as clot after clot passed and at 3:15pm my son woke up from his nap and joined me in the bathroom until my husband got home.

Bobby tried to get me to come down stairs, but I couldn’t sit on a pad and just feel the pad soaking up my child.

I could hardly even stomach sitting on the toilet but I didn’t know where else to go.

The last thing I remember is calling my dad’s new wife, Sharon, and then I passed out.

The next thing I know, there were paramedics and firefighters standing above me, trying to get me down to a gurney to take me to the hospital.

To this day I still can’t believe my family had to witness me in that state.

I remember hearing my son crying and I honestly think that is what brought me back to consciousness.

Then I was in the ambulance with a 10-minute drive to the hospital.

I got admitted and by the time they had me checked in my husband was in the room.

They had an ultrasound tech come and confirm what was happening.

By the time I saw my OBGYN, I had already passed out twice.

Dr. Heffron was amazing he made my husband and I feel heard and taken care of within minutes of hearing what we were going through.

He confirmed that we were in fact experiencing a miscarriage and that my body was having trouble finishing the process.

We needed to wait for a negative Covid test and for the on-call surgery team to get to the hospital since it was around 8:45pm at this time.

While Dr. Heffron was getting the surgical team ready I lost consciousness

one last time.

My husband told me after that the entire ER team came in and almost had to use

a defibrillator because my blood pressure dropped so far from losing too much blood.

Once I regained consciousness, I remember Dr. Heffron standing in the doorway saying that they were taking me to surgery.

I remember holding my husband’s hand the entire way and him answering questions about my family medical history.

The thing I remember telling the anesthesiologist was that I had to wake up. My family couldn’t handle losing anyone else this year.

My father-in-law died in February of a sudden heart attack.

Then I woke up in recovery, wanting to make sure my husband was ok and that they had told him I was ok.

Then the unbearable grief and sorrow sunk in, as the reality of what we just went through turned into reality.

I didn’t sleep at all that night because nurses were checking in on me every hour because of the two units of blood I needed. Honestly, I doubt I would have slept

at all anyway.

All I could think of was the life I just failed to bring into the world

To this day I sometimes lie awake at night thinking of that precious life that went to join their grandpa before we could meet them here.

I don’t have a picture; we didn’t have a name picked out because we didn’t know the gender.

I don’t have anything.

The one thing I could do was buy a necklace with a forget me not seed; I wear it every day.

This blog was written by Margaret Jacobson in Oregon. Margaret has been with her husband, Bobby, for nine years and married for six. Together they have two children - Benjamin, here on earth, and Baby Jacobson in heaven with Jesus. Their family also has a Bernese mountain dog named George.

Read Mother of Wilde's other stories of loss here. If you are interested in sharing your story of pregnancy or infant loss, you can submit your story for our blog here.