My Story - Abigail Grace

love to listen to people's stories. Whether sad, joyful, or difficult, I believe people feel valued when others listen. I believe we can learn and grow personally and in our walk with Christ as we listen. I also believe people deserve to not feel alone. So many mothers and fathers suffer the loss of their children or walk through difficult parenting seasons in isolation because it makes people uncomfortable to have to imagine their pain.

As many of you may or may not know, Mother of Wilde hasn't always been mine to steward. Moria, our founder, created a beautiful thing, and together with the Lord, she developed a ministry and business to share each of your stories. I thought maybe it was time to share my story of how I got here.

In late 2019, we were pregnant with our 3rd beautiful baby. We were thrilled and relieved after trying to get pregnant for many months.

On October 17th, my husband and I walked into our ultrasound for our 20-week anatomy scan. It was quickly evident that something was wrong on the screen. The ultrasound tech was quiet as she quickly scanned over the image on the screen.

I asked her if it was normal to not be able to see very clearly at this stage, as the ultrasound looked very unclear. She responded that it was not common and that "something is very wrong with your baby."

We were quickly ushered into a room to meet with our OBGYN, where she said we needed to be referred to an MFM to get clarity, but that she believed our baby was lacking kidneys. This meant that our child would not be able to survive outside of my womb and would be "incompatible with life."

An appointment with our MFM confirmed our worst fears: our baby would not survive. We were told that we could induce if/when we were ready, but that our child would not be in pain. We were also told to expect her to pass away at any time, as most of these babies with "Bilateral Renal Agenesis" do not make it to full term.

We went home and we prayed for time, and we prayed for healing. We decided that we would carry our precious baby, who we later learned was a girl, as long as God would allow. We would cherish her life and we would love her as fiercely and selflessly as we could.

We named our baby girl Abigail Grace. Abigail means the Father's joy. She was truly our joy.

On January 31st, 2020, our perfect daughter, Abby, was born.

She was delivered breech, and we were so nervous that delivery would be too hard on her fragile body. We prayed for time with her but never expected any. The Lord was so incredibly gracious and gave us 1 hour with her before she slipped into Heaven.

We were able to tell her that we loved her, pray for her, sing to her, and introduce her to her sisters and her grandparents.

After so much time getting to know other parents who have lost children, we know that we are so blessed that we got any time with her at all. No matter how long we had, it would have never felt like enough.


We spent about 36 hours in the hospital with our daughter's earthly body. We knew she was no longer there, but our hearts needed time to hold her and love her here. I will forever cherish the time we spent with her.

When the time came for us to leave her at the hospital, our hearts shattered into a million pieces. I will never forget the emptiness I felt in the moment I left that room. I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to an empty, dark parking garage with my pink North Face puffy coat in my lap instead of my baby.

My heart and my arms felt so, so painfully empty.

The next few months felt like a horrible blur. Brian and I each wrestled with God in our own ways. Covid hit in March, and we were isolated in our grief. It was incredibly difficult.

But strangely, I look back on that season with a grateful heart. Brian was forced to work from home, and we were able to be together. I was able to grieve with no expectations of entering "real life." But, as I sit here and try to recall those early days of grief, there is no way to articulate the sadness that I felt.

We were held closely by those who loved us, but honestly, I have never felt so alone. But God, in His overwhelming kindness, has continually reminded us that we are held.

Life is so very hard, but we are held. 
(continued in part 2)